(mom) taking a deep breath

Breathe.......breathe......breathe......

Life is more than breathing, it is living. Everyone defines this in different ways.

Being thankful, this is living. If you can't find anything to cling to and life seems hopeless. Be thankful.

Thankfulness leads to gratitude and gratitude leads to appreciation. Once you appreciate life, you become a person willing to share. Giving of yourself brings happiness and love.

When this road is too hard to bear and you can't get passed the first step of being thankful, go back to the basics and just breathe. You will get there, eventually.

I myself fluctuate in how I deal with life, but right now I am in a good place. Now it is my turn to be willing to share of myself and spread happiness and love around and help others just breathe.

(kids) where do I get off from this crazy ride?

What emotions ride through your soul as you journey with your kids day after day in the hospital clinic world and wishing they were doing ordinary kids activities instead.

The novelty of it all is wearing thin, if you could call it by those words.

A day in the life of special needs mom:
Tomorrow is speech therapy at 9:30am then off to the rehab clinic by 11am across town for doctors and therapists to evaluate my son's new braces with walking. (He will have probes all over his legs to see how his muscles are contracting or not doing much at all) Grab some lunch and off to Ophthalmology at 2pm for my son's eye tests to check post op how he is doing and then get him ready for his next eye surgery June 1st.

All 3 appts are for 3 different kiddos with all 4 in tow.

Then Saturday is a brain/spine MRI for my son who is having new issues neurologically and is causing him grief.

Sunday is Mother's Day: a respite from it all and just kick back and enjoy my family.

Then back in full swing Monday with the MRI follow up with the neurosurgeon and find out where do we go from here.

I am taking a deep breath as I think this all through.

I share my life not so people feel sorry for me, that is not what I ask.

I come across as a person who is so strong and put together, but really we are all struggling in the inside in some form or another.

My heart aches, my eyes feel like crying, and sleep seems like an enemy to me as I toss and turn at night.

I will get through this, I always do, but it is nice to know someone cares and is listening. Who does not mind hearing the struggles of a weary mom trying to be there for their kids and muddling through it the best way she can.

Hope is my miracle drug. Hope for healing, for strength and to be compassionate for my kids.

I have always prayed God would provide a way for major medical issue to come up only one at a time, especially with my child with spina bifida. Now I am asking for God to spare me from multiple issues with multiple children at the same time.

Praying for no more complications, no more surgeries than needed, no more physical discomfort, and acceptance of things that cannot be changed.

(life) crowded life

Living a busy life of raising 4 boys ages 6, 8, 9, 10 and with 3 of them with added special needs, it makes many people stop and comment on my life. Almost as if I am not aware of the spacing or the fact of my child bearing abilities. Most of time it is on a positive note.

I love the challenge. So in the spirit of this, I added homeschooling, working, and going back to school to the mix. Sounds overwhelming, but most days it is not.

In all honesty, when you are doing what you love, it is not work. Especially, when every part of my life seems rewarding on this journey.

Lately, life has been slowing down. I am not working as much, if at all, and enjoying time spent at home. I still have a full plate of responsibilities, but when one area slows down, it really makes a big difference.

There is a children's book called "Things Could be Worse" that comes to mind. The story is about a family squeezed into a crowded house and the man of the house goes to seek council and is told to add more to his house (pigs, horses, chickens, etc). Day after day, he gets to a point where he can no longer take it anymore and pleads to the Rabbi. He tells him to remove the animals. To the man's surprise, he can't believe how peaceful and spacious his house is. Even though nothing really changed.

I feel that way today. I packed so much into my life these past couple years and now when things ease off for me, it feels unbelievably lovely. Even though I still have all the responsibilities as before.

Some say it is the calm before the storm, I hope it is the rest for the weary.

This month marks one year since my youngest had his 4th and hopefully last spinal cord surgery. Presently, no other surgeries are looming in the near horizon.

I am basking in the joys of a peaceful and quiet life with much to be thankful for.

(kids) preparing myself for his wheelchair

After struggling for years about getting a wheelchair for my son (B-man), I finally did it.

I knew this day would come. Today, I get the call it has arrived and specially made for him.

Here come the emotions. Did I make the right decision? He is so mobile, am I crazy?

Well, after carrying him for many years and getting back problems, it was time.

It took me to the point of getting serious about my own health with back pain and needing physical therapy on my own issues. I decided to do it for me and not only B-man. Selfish, huh? Not really.

There are times when he just poops out. A mom gets tired of pulling her son's hand and repeatedly saying hurry up and in the same respect, a son gets tired of saying "wait for me!"

It has been a struggle with trying to go his pace and not get frustrated. It is a lesson of patience and slowing down. God knew if I ran my life, I would constantly run at top speed. So he gives me a child to remind me to slow down.

Sometimes though, a child wants to be fast and keep up with his brothers and friends. In that case, a wheelchair is the best gift for him.

Oh.... By the way, he is extremely excited he is getting one. I will someday, too.

(life) stretched but not stretched

That is how I feel.

So many activities and things on my to do list, but somehow I get them all done for the most part. It is shocking to some how or why I keep the schedule I do.

My passions are what drive me and what makes me who I am.
Take that away and you take a part of me away.

So here I stay.

And onward I go as I continue on this journey.

Mom: What I want to be when I grow up?

Honestly, I ask this of myself from time to time.

Most people by my age have figured this out. For me, if you ask my husband, it changes quite a bit. He would even wager to say weekly on some occasions.

Living twice the lifespan would be great with all the aspirations that go through my mind. Most of the time, it has to do with working in health care, but today....

I want to be a grocery clerk. That's right, every time I go through with my food items and wait for the next person to be done, I secretly wish I could be checking them out.

Now, my reasoning is not because I enjoy the bar codes and scanning items, it far less of an admirable reason. It is to have the shock value of what people are willing to spend on groceries.

Last night, I was shopping late and some young, newly married woman was in front of me in the check out lane. Obviously, she was going to make lasagna with not wine, must have you, but a case of Bud Light beer. Anyway, she had about 12 items total and guess what her bill was??? I was shocked when the total came up to $65 dollars. When the checker asked her if she had a key card saver, of course she didn't have one.

I don't know why this seems so wrong to me. Maybe it is because I pride myself in the coupon clipping, sale item scanning and trying my hardest to keep the grocery bill down. It just seemed like such a waste. Besides, for that price, she could have ordered take out and still did better.

So once again, I secretly wish I could be scanning other people's food and seeing what people are eating and what they are paying for these days.

Then again, who am I to judge.

Work: Not a single page from the ER

This never happens, not even on a good day. I actually had a quiet day at work and had time to learn and teach a thing or two with my patients.

RT's carry a small workload when covering the ER and when they don't page, they tend to to have ample time to be productive or find some way to pass the time.

For some it is hanging out at a nursing station chatting away, for others it is reading the magazines in the respiratory dept, but for me it is cracking out my big nursing books and studying away.

Historically, most therapists tend to shy away from taking the ER. You just never know what will come in the door. I for some reason have gravitated to this and I think I like the unpredictability of not knowing when or if you will get paged or how great or crappy your night will be.

For the most part, I tend to carry a poor record when it comes to how many of the patients I see in the ER end up getting admitted. At least in the eyes of my coworkers, I tend to add more to the workload after I hand the pager over to the next shift. That's usually my luck.

That being said, it was an easy going day and even better when I got home. I had the rest of the afternoon/evening to spend with my family.

I just love my job. All of them that is.